Consider the following three scenarios and ask yourself: Who is in the most challenging position?
- Scenario 1: A 21-year-old male, married to a 20-year-old female from a village in Sindh province, Pakistan. The marriage was conducted in a traditional Muslim ceremony. He works as a technician for a manufacturing company.
- Scenario 2: A 25-year-old woman from Seattle, WA, who enjoys attending raves on weekends and has already had sexual experiences with half a dozen partners. She works as a Chemist for a biotech company.
- Scenario 3: A 33-year-old Indian woman, a virgin, living with her family in Brooklyn, NY. She works remotely as a software engineer. Her parents are preparing to arrange her marriage to someone in Hyderabad, India.
Surprisingly, despite conventional wisdom among Desi parents, the third scenario presents the greatest difficulties. Traditionally, parents encourage their children to remain virgins until marriage, believing this to be the best path. However, the arranged marriage market has become increasingly complex. In the 1980s, parents would choose from a dozen suitable candidates within a close geographic range, making decisions quickly. Since the late 2000s, the internet has dramatically expanded these options, created global connections and increased the pool of potential partners.
The rise of romance shows on streaming services has also influenced young people, leading many to pursue the idea of finding a soulmate. As a result, many spend their twenties waiting for the perfect partner, often dismissing relationships that do not meet their idealized expectations. In conservative families, this means remaining a virgin until marriage. When reality eventually sets in, they may settle for the next best option rather than their ideal match.
Choosing not to have sex in your twenties is akin to avoiding candy until you are fifty. While it may seem like a disciplined and moral decision, it also means missing out on an enjoyable life experience. Experiencing intimacy after thirty is not the same as doing so earlier. Although the physical act and pleasure remain, the best years for such experiences have passed. Sex hormones—testosterone for men and estrogen for women—begin to decline around age 32, marking the first stage of aging.
For parents, the question arises: Is it wise to keep their children’s virginity locked in an arranged marriage contract? If your son or daughter remains unmarried at thirty, it is healthier for their future self if they are experiencing intimacy. They do not need to publicize this or share it on social media, but experiencing intimacy matters for their well-being. If religious or cultural beliefs make this unacceptable, consider allowing marriage in the early twenties.
With the rapid development of the virtual world, young people now have more options than ever, connecting globally through social media and other platforms. However, having more choices can be overwhelming, and the quest for the perfect partner can lead to indecision and dissatisfaction.
For families who support arranged marriages, it is important to give their children the opportunity to experience intimacy in their twenties, whether within or outside marriage. Missing out on these experiences can result in feelings of depression and resentment. It is essential to recognize that life experiences — travel, food, music — should be enjoyed at an appropriate time, and early adulthood is often the best period for this. The same principle applies to sex.
The irony is stark: South Asian culture values virginity until marriage as a virtue, while simultaneously encouraging children to delay marriage until their careers are established. These two expectations create a trap. By the time someone reaches their thirties, unmarried and virgin, they have not only missed the biological prime for sexual experience, but also the developmental years for learning intimacy, building confidence, and understanding relationships. The person in Scenario 3—the 33-year-old virgin in Brooklyn—faces challenges that neither the young married technician nor the experienced Seattle professional encounters. She must now learn what others learned a decade earlier, entering marriage without the relationship skills her peers developed through experience.
The cost of waiting is not just biological. It is psychological, emotional, and social. Cultural values that made sense in an era of early arranged marriages have become harmful when combined with modern expectations of career establishment first. Parents who want the best for their children must recognize this contradiction and choose; either support early marriage in their twenties or accept that their children will gain intimate experience outside of marriage. Maintaining both traditional virginity expectations and modern career-first timelines creates the worst possible outcome—leaving young adults in their thirties inexperienced, unprepared, and having missed the window when these experiences shape us most profoundly.